Why Good Looking Men Struggle With Women
Something all men in their self improvement journey must understand
Men embarking on their self improvement journey commonly start so they can be more desirable to more women. Reproducing with women is our evolved imperative, so wanting to increase your extrinsic value is a natural, instinctive step to follow to satisfy this desire. Some men may be starting from scratch; perhaps they are frail, want better finances, don’t know how to groom, etc. They are essentially attempting to improve an aspect of their life that is deficient. However, there is a massive issue that is not addressed until men actually get to this point: Not only do you have to look the part, you have to be the part. Some men accomplish their goals and become more desirable on paper; but, they often do not possess the social skills needed when approaching women that other men developed in their adolescence. In the age of the digital revolution, this is commonly due to parents allowing their children to spend excessive amounts of time on smart phones and video games, resulting in underdeveloped social skills. So, despite seemingly being a valuable man after much hard work, these men often exhibit low value behaviors. There is an incongruence with who is presented, ostensibly a very valuable man, behaving in a manner that is incongruent with who he presents.
This incongruence is never discussed by self improvement gurus because they don’t have the insight to foresee it. And how could they? These gurus come from a frame of, “who doesn’t have these skills?” and “This is just common sense.” They can’t comprehend it because they developed these social skills in their youth. This causes men on these journeys to become very confused when they don’t yield their anticipated results with women despite finally becoming valuable on paper. That is, being the man other women want, and the guy other men want to become.
Why men improve for women
Men must become. This has been, and always will be, the case since we evolved into homo sapiens over two hundred thousand years ago. Contrary to what modern society promotes, there is a way to be a man – it’s not just some fluid concept that can change depending on your feelings. This is illogical thinking that rejects our ancestors' evolutionary past. Due to the difference in physiology and biology between the two sexes, men and women established various roles in tribes that catered to their strengths. These roles weren't instituted by visceral feelings; rather, they were enforced to ensure the survival of the tribe. So, while men no longer need to slaughter large mammals to exist, there is still a specific way to be a man. That is being able to accomplish whatever task society demands of men at a given period in time. Women evolved to desire men who have short term reproductive benefits (good genes for offspring), and long term provisional benefits: someone who can provide resources, protect the tribe, and be a good parent. Conversely, men evolved to reproduce with as many women as possible. This innately hardwired evolutionary desire results in men embarking on self-development journeys primarily to obtain high quality women.
While men maintain extrinsic and intrinsic value, both sexes evolved to value extrinsic value in men far more than the latter. This is because extrinsic value was a better indicator of survival for the tribe. Men respect one another because of accomplishments and because they are good at being men, not necessarily because they are good men. In our evolutionary past, this respect revolved around having strength to slaughter beasts and defend the tribe from raiders. It revolved around having mastery of a skill beneficial to the group. Can he develop blades to defend the tribe more easily? Can he harness a fire quickly? Additionally, courage was required of men. There’s a large beast near the perimeter, it must be exterminated, and the women are physically incapable of doing so. While it is not required of men to do these specific tasks in society today, strength, mastery, and courage are still pillars of masculinity men need to develop in order to become more valuable.
The Self Improvement Journey
Men’s self improvement journeys typically begin with them joining a gym to develop a more desirable physique. This is because we, often begrudgingly, understand that women desire men with phenomenal bodies, despite the current fad of them preferring dad-bods, or perpetuating the idea that men with really nice bodies are “intimidating.” Sure, these women exist, but they are outliers and should not be used to draw conclusions concerning female nature. This truth is particularly noticeable when you observe the reception women demonstrate towards actors with extraordinary bodies, or models partaking in shirtless photoshoots. Again, one component of women’s evolved reproduction strategy is short term genetic benefits. Meaning, women want a man who she, and more importantly other women, view as sexy. This is an unflattering truth that is difficult for many men to accept. Don’t believe me? Okay, Just go to a densely populated urban area, and pay attention to all of the women turning their heads in awe and blushing when they see a guy with an incredible body running shirtless. This arouses women, and men understand this on an innate level.
Next comes making yourself more physically attractive. This commonly includes finding a favorable hairstyle, developing a consistent skin care routine, trimming nails and facial hair regularly, and polishing your style. In essence, men adjust anything in their control to become more handsome. Altering your appearance to be better looking obviously makes men more attractive to women, as good health is an indicator of reproductive ability. Additionally, men and women both assume you are higher status when you are well groomed, well dressed, and maintain a fresh look consistently. Which is true, men who are higher status, typically, are better looking and have an appearance that is associated with importance. When a man of this caliber walks into a room, everyone notices.
Lastly comes finances. Fiscally responsible men with wealth are more valuable to women due to their evolved need for provisioning. So, men ordinarily choose a career that is respectable, pays well, and conveys status, such as medicine, law, or engineering, with particularly ambitious men starting their own business. Regardless of the path a man takes, elevating finances is crucial for attracting women. This is undeniable. If you see someone in your city with a luxury vehicle, it implies status, wealth, and importance as they are rare and far more valuable. It indicates that he did something difficult to earn that. He is a man that other men want to become, and that women want.
What men don’t predict: Incongruence
Here’s the problem with all this, well for the men who actually put their heads down and do the work necessary to become more respectable, anyways. Good looking, financially stable, built men are absolutely more desirable to women. It’s irrefutable, and anyone telling you otherwise is lying to you. Men possessing these attributes have more opportunities with women. Having a great body, contrary to what social media naively indicates, does not automatically get you women. What happens is men can now get their foot in the door more easily when approaching women. Meaning, women will be more likely to engage in conversation with you and not immediately dismiss you. This is because women are visceral, their emotions must be stimulated when talking to them and establishing male to female interest. So, when men do finally level up and approach women they are interested in, they are deprived of the most critical component: social skills. This is what people in the looksmaxing community, and those who believe women only care about looks, get terribly wrong.
Men, due to social deprivation in youth and in-person communication becoming less common, lack the social skills (let alone game) needed to be able to properly seduce women. Men, and many self improvement gurus, do not have the insight to caution men of this. And how could they? They obtained these skills naturally in adolescence. Women teaching men how to self improve in particular do not have the insight to tell men that they must have congruent social skills to accommodate this new, respectable, more valuable version of themselves. And of course they wouldn’t, it's just common sense to them. Women naturally have superior social skills due to their evolutionary past, and they don’t usually witness the transformation of men in real time, they wait at the finish line and select the best they can get.
And the worst part is, no-one, except if you’re lucky a close friend or mentor, will inform you of this. It’s something men have to deduce on their own after putting their ego aside and detaching from the situation when they are not achieving their desired results with women.. And this is very difficult to do. No-one wants to think that they are below average in something, let alone something as seemingly habitual as communicating with others. But it is what happens to these men. It’s what happened to me. I was incredibly fortunate to have a mentor who informed me of all of my flaws, flaws that I was not aware of that would have taken me a considerable amount of time to figure out on my own.
This incongruence is fatal. Men become confused and angry when they realize that all of their work seems fruitless. They ostensibly have earned all aspects of female attraction: looks, money, and even status. However, when men approach women and they behave in a manner that is incongruent with who she thinks he should be, it triggers their greatest evolutionary fear: reproducing with a man who is not as valuable as he conveys. A fraud in essence. In our ancestors' past this had dire consequences. A man who appeared to be valuable, but in reality was a bad parental investment, would leave her to raise the child on her own, making survival more difficult. Thus, when what appears to be a high status man approaches a woman and displays low status behavior (being shy, awkward, nervous, timid, an inability to properly communicate or maintain eye contact), she is very confused. She does not believe he is the real deal. This is because men with these traits are deemed as more valuable to society, and normally behave in a way that is congruent with their presentation. So, what she sees is often not what she gets when talking to a man who had to develop himself from scratch.
How to get out of this predicament
Women are visceral, meaning they need to have their emotions stimulated when attempting to seduce them. This can only be learned from interacting with women. Men deprived of this knowledge naively use deductive reasoning when it comes to getting women. “Well, I have this much money, I'm built like a Greek god, and I'm at leaaaast a 7. What gives?” They don’t realize that an emotional impact must be made during your approach in order for her to want to go on a date with you. It’s why women across the globe and on dating apps list being funny as a requirement. It’s the emotional impact, the feeling that she is being left with, that is important to them.
Properly socialized men understand this, which is why they naturally appear better with women. They observed female behavior at a young age. The solution is not to become despondent, you put in the work to greatly alter your finances and appearances, so similarly you can enhance your social skills. This undoubtedly will be more difficult because unless you receive direct feedback from someone perceptive, you will not necessarily be able to gauge where your skills currently stand. You won’t directly be able to quantify your improvements like in bodybuilding where you can see the weight on the scale increase and your muscles getting larger. Or like earning better finances and viewing the money in your bank account increase, but it can absolutely be done. You have to have the ability to detach and remove any ego investments you have in your skills to truly recognize where you are, and what you must improve.
You will know you are improving by the feedback women give you indirectly. Are they more engaged in the conversation? Are they asking you questions back? Are they demonstrating positive body language? Laughing at your bad jokes?. These are all indirect indicators that your social skills are improving.
This is what looksmaxers and people who believe looks are all that matter get wrong. They have not actually improved themselves, approached women, and experienced rejection despite their adamant beliefs. Achieving good, or even just adequate social skills, will require work and effort, and it most likely will be harder than other self improvement aspects as quantifying your improvement is not as direct. Furthermore, your proclivities, inclinations, and natural abilities may make elevating your social skills easier. If you have already put in the work to increase your value in all other aspects discussed, you can definitely improve your social skills. Not only will this make you a more valuable man, you will achieve what you really started this journey for –that ability to date high quality women.
Great article. I think a big reason why women want a man who can "connect" with them on an emotional level is because it demonstrates high EQ (emotional quotient). From an evolutionary perspective, humans who were better at collaborating with other humans had a higher chance of survival.